Screw Up
I catch myself staring at her, again. I can't help myself she is so beautiful, it seems so effortless, so perfect. I wish she saw, what I see in her, what I know she can be. But, sadly she doesn't and she won't even talk to me anymore. I know she has every reason to despise me, there is no satisfying explanation for what I did. No situation will ever be worth her pain. And damn, I know she is in so much pain. It's all my fault, it will always be my fault.
I myself, don't even understand what I did. I tried so hard, I really did try to not screw this up. What we had was unique, and special. I should have done more, talked more, loved her more. I look down at my paper realizing I am running out of time to write this pointless essay, but I don't care. Nothing seems to matter anymore, nothing except her. I wish I could go back, go back to that night, that stupid party. I would have changed things, not given in to peer pressure, not grabbing that cup, not stumbling up those stairs with that ditsy blonde. I can't even remember her name. But none of that matters, all that matters is the look of betrayal in her face when she opened that door. The tears that were streaming down her flawless cheeks. The worst part of it all was I didn't have anything to say to her.
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't sleep, I just wanted to disappear. I couldn't even look her in the eyes, because all I see back is the utter torture I put her through. When you destroy something so innocent, something so pure you cute a fine line between reality and your thoughts. Nothing appears the same anymore, I was disgusted with myself. I know that what I did was wrong, I do know that. I also know that what I did is unforgivable and doesn't deserve any pity. But, I still have this naive hope that maybe just maybe she might find it somewhere in herself to try and understand how I didn't know what I was doing when it was happening. I would never, ever dream of hurting her on purpose. She hasn't spoken a single word in my direction since that night since he eyes met mine. I don't even think she has glanced at me and why would she. Why would anyone? After what I did. I am just another screw up, another fatal flaw in someones world. But. I still love her with every piece of me, every breath, ever thought, every action is filled with my love for her I love I don't deserve.
I myself, don't even understand what I did. I tried so hard, I really did try to not screw this up. What we had was unique, and special. I should have done more, talked more, loved her more. I look down at my paper realizing I am running out of time to write this pointless essay, but I don't care. Nothing seems to matter anymore, nothing except her. I wish I could go back, go back to that night, that stupid party. I would have changed things, not given in to peer pressure, not grabbing that cup, not stumbling up those stairs with that ditsy blonde. I can't even remember her name. But none of that matters, all that matters is the look of betrayal in her face when she opened that door. The tears that were streaming down her flawless cheeks. The worst part of it all was I didn't have anything to say to her.
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't sleep, I just wanted to disappear. I couldn't even look her in the eyes, because all I see back is the utter torture I put her through. When you destroy something so innocent, something so pure you cute a fine line between reality and your thoughts. Nothing appears the same anymore, I was disgusted with myself. I know that what I did was wrong, I do know that. I also know that what I did is unforgivable and doesn't deserve any pity. But, I still have this naive hope that maybe just maybe she might find it somewhere in herself to try and understand how I didn't know what I was doing when it was happening. I would never, ever dream of hurting her on purpose. She hasn't spoken a single word in my direction since that night since he eyes met mine. I don't even think she has glanced at me and why would she. Why would anyone? After what I did. I am just another screw up, another fatal flaw in someones world. But. I still love her with every piece of me, every breath, ever thought, every action is filled with my love for her I love I don't deserve.